Before I even begin this commentary, I need to make sure everyone understands the definitions of Civility and Grace.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: Civility “is civilized conduct, especially: Courtesy, Politeness; A polite act or expression”; Grace, is define in many ways, but the two important here are: “is a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy or clemency; a sense of propriety or right/ the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful.”
When I was growing up, my mother would tell me that you are more likely to get what you want by using honey, than by using vinegar. Her meaning was that when you treat other people well, they in turn would usually treat you well. I have used this philosophy throughout my life. I try to be kind and to treat all those that I meet during the day the way I want to be treated.
I have to admit, I have been exposed to many instances where I am frustrated and annoyed… especially in airports, but I always treat others, including the customer services representatives and the flight attendants with respect. Whatever my issue is, was not their fault. And I have found over the years, that they treat me kindly in return. I have seen many adult melt downs that were so inappropriate: yelling, threatening, with no sense of civility or grace to the people who are trying to do their job. I find it offensive and concerning.
The lack of civility and grace are obvious in many places now. And many times we now see people resorting to shooting someone when things do not go their way. Each day we hear of more mass shootings. The one in Kansas City hit close to home. I knew many families who were celebrating the Cheif’s Super Bowl victory at Union Station.
But why? Is it impatience? Have people lost the ability to take the time to speak to each other? Is it refusal to follow the rules of society? Is it a feeling of superiority? Is it social media, with its impersonal way of spreading hate? What makes someone feel that they can treat someone with disrespect? Or just shoot them? I am not sure. But I am beginning to think that two events lead to the increased an inability to act with kindness.
My first issue has to do with politicians and negative campaigns. Wow, have they become nasty or what? When I was a young adult, I saw campaign ads that usually focused on what the candidate would do for me and the country. They would stress the differences between themselves and the opposition. But there was never the out and out nastiness that we see now. Many claim the investigation into a candidate’s secrets started with Gary Hart. But that seems primitive to what we see in campaigns now.
An example: I decided that I would watch every Republican primary debate this fall, 2023. And I did. It was difficult at times with all the screaming, accusations and just out right nasty comments all around. When did this type of behavior, horrifyingly infantile, begin in debates. I think we all know who started that…the one candidate who did not even come to this fall’s Republican debates. But there were several candidates who seemed to believe that aping this behavior would help them. I guess not, since they all dropped out. Leaving the lone woman continuing on to face the onslaught of nasty and negative comments.
The second issue concerns the onset of the COVID Pandemic and the attacks on masks and vaccines.
What is the problem here? Masks hurt no one. Doctors, I am married to one, often wear masks. Surgeons wear them for hours at a time, as do surgical nurses. When a patient has an infectious disease, doctors and nurses often wear protective gear. But suddenly the request for people to wear masks to protect themselves and others became tribal warfare. There was no civility and no grace for anyone. If you wear or do not wear a mask you were choosing a team, instead of trying to stay alive and save others. The existence of a killer virus itself came in question.
And then there was the warfare over vaccines. I actually know a little of what the members of the FDA committee went through. My husband serves on the committee. My husband, along with others, received thousands of emails and letters and faxes asking that they do not vote to approve vaccines. Most were form letters accusing the doctors of crimes against humanity and threats of legal action under the Nuremberg Laws. Oy Vey. Some notes were not mean just fearful. While other notes were outright nasty. Not threatening, that would get them in trouble. But just really nasty. The majority of these nasty ones had no return address. How do I know? He brought the letters home and I opened them, making three piles: form letters; hate/nasty mail; fearful.
Why the hate? These men and women were doing a difficult job. Reading everything they could about the vaccines and how well they would work. Trying to save lives. But instead, they were vilified by many. In the long run, the decisions were made. Millions of people have survived thanks to the miracle of the vaccines that the CDC and others helped to develop and the FDA’s investigations and discussions and votes to use them. They continued their work despite the hate, because they had an underlying desire to do good.
What happened next is apparent. When we could leave our homes, people seemed to believe that rules that govern did not apply to them. Many seem to think that if they did not conform to masks and vaccines, they did not have to follow any rules. While others who did wear masks and had vaccines were strident in their opposition to the others. Tribal warefare? Along with these came an increase in gun violence. It is so out of control.
I am like many who are dreading this next political season and the campaigns for president, representatives and senators. I can already imagine the ugly campaign ads. I am already feeling disgusted. I am also worried about the threats of violence.
Our politicians need to stop feeding the frenzy of discourtesy and hate for the other. Let’s instead focus on what you plan to do for our country. Let’s focus on unity. Let’s focus on the being kind and not anti-Semitic, anti-refugee, ant-LGBTQI, anti-woman’s health care, or racist. Let’s find a way to end the rampage of gun violence we have all experienced. Instead, why cannot we focus on finding ways to work together. Finding areas where we can agree. There is so much good that could be accomplished.
Let’s give each other grace and civility. We would all get more joy from life if we treat each other with kindness and respect. Let’s end the unfortunate sabbatical of good behavior.
There is a saying that is now posted at many schools: Jennifer Dukes Lee: “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”
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